katie
Every Heart Member
Posts: 77
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 18:47:02 GMT -5
Post by katie on Aug 19, 2005 18:47:02 GMT -5
Post jokes on this thread
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:46:34 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:46:34 GMT -5
HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:47:56 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:47:56 GMT -5
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:48:11 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:48:11 GMT -5
MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:49:41 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:49:41 GMT -5
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:50:03 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:50:03 GMT -5
Personal Airplane Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.
Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.
Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"
And with that, he opened the door and stepped out... right into the water.
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:50:34 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:50:34 GMT -5
The Talkative Parrot Rhonda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:50:57 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:50:57 GMT -5
Optometrist We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dis- missed the notion of a budding romance.
"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:51:31 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:51:31 GMT -5
Cheaper Perfume After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:53:43 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:53:43 GMT -5
Quick Quotes "Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made people more pro- ductive at the office. Except for the six hours a day they are emailing friends, sufing the Internet, and playing solitaire!" --Jay Leno
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"There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs going strong ... to achieve that greatest of discoveries, the thing we as human beings need most: space oil." --Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert
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"White House officials tried to talk to thingy Cheney about softening his image, but have been told never to interrupt him when he's yelling at puppies." --Craig Kilborn
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Food... I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
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Lost Phone? My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"
The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
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Quick Quotes "According to "The New York Post", runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks was supposed to get married today, it never hap- pened. Ironically she showed up at the church and every- body else left town." --Jay Leno
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"President Bush is on his vacation Crawford, Texas. He says he'll leave only when Crawford is capable of self rule." --Dave Letterman
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An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
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Quick word play... -- A good thing to exercise when you're putting on weight is restraint.
-- Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker's wurst nightmare.
-- He arrived late at the party to find he was beaten to the punch.
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Marriage Promise A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:56:08 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:56:08 GMT -5
More Oneliners The Government wants more money? Why don't they try selling candy bars like the Boy Scouts do?
Many people will spend the summer occupied with fishing and politics. In fishing you use a worm, and in politics a worm uses you.
A person that learns from their mistakes is smart. A person that learns from other people's mistakes is smarter.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.
It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong.
The things you tell your teenagers don't reach them 'til they're in their 40s.
He who lives without discipline dies without honor.
I have a speech impediment . . . my foot.
I need some duck tape . . . my duck has a quack in it
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
The more you say, the less people remember.
98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%.
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.
Any sports fan can tell you the most brutal thing about professional football is the price of the tickets.
It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.
The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you.
The real goal is to be rich the moment after you die.
Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.
Don't count your fish until they're on dry land.
Don't judge, you idiot.
Marriage is like a tourniquet; it stops your circulation.
Everything on land is within walking distance.
The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.
We're not truly happy until we focus on others.
Sarcasm: an ingenious way of making intelligent people feel stupid.
Love isn't blind . . . it just has Attention Deficit Disorder.
Life is a bowl of cherries . . . overpriced and only available at certain times.
A lot of good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people.
Funny that most of our best-sellers are written at a 9th-grade reading level.
Small talk is one step down from no talk.
If it weren't for humor, we might never get at the truth.
To understand politics, we must read between the lies.
____________________________________________ Secret to Success? Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Bill Gates."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
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Late for Work Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
____________________________________________ Wisdom of Love If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she never was....
Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat
C++ Programmer: if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free() if(m_she == NULL) m_she= new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist: If you love somebody, Set her free... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers: If you love somebody, Set her free... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates : If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist: If you love somebody, Set her free... She'll evolve.
Statistician: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's Fan: If you love somebody, Set her free... SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over Possessive: If you love somebody don't set her free.
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tamra
Brand NEW World Member
Posts: 15
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 19:59:55 GMT -5
Post by tamra on Aug 19, 2005 19:59:55 GMT -5
Chain Letters I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
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I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
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I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
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I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
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I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
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I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
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I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
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I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
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I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
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I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
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I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
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I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
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Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
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I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
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I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
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Now to Return the Favor:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
____________________________________________
Freezer Meals I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
____________________________________________
It's So Hot In Here... The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.
No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!
Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.
Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.
You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.
The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.
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Barber and Kid A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
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jokes
Aug 19, 2005 20:36:49 GMT -5
Post by sota on Aug 19, 2005 20:36:49 GMT -5
MY GOODNESS......................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...............................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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jokes
Aug 20, 2005 15:01:40 GMT -5
Post by kohaku on Aug 20, 2005 15:01:40 GMT -5
quote that above ^
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jokes
Aug 24, 2005 15:04:57 GMT -5
Post by sota on Aug 24, 2005 15:04:57 GMT -5
lol
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